Its less than a week since the last time I saw you, but now I miss you so bad already. I don't know how the next 38 weeks will be, I'm gonna miss you so much. Pictures and some memories will have to help me through. Every night when I lie on my bed, my train of thought starts running and it goes nowhere but you. All I could think of is you, and every time I'm doing something I wish you were here, right beside me, like you used to be. When girls of my age get to enjoy their life with the guy that they like, I have to go through this, you being so far away. And I don't even know when will we meet again. I really hope one day I can stop missing you.

:( miss you so baddddddd

even until now, when it seems less like a dream, i still find it hard to forget what happened just now. sometimes things turn out the way i least expect it to. i just am so afraid, that it won't be the same anymore between us, that i'll never be able to see you anymore, that i can't see that smile anymore. why does this have to hurt so bad? god, please give me strength to live through this 39 weeks, give me strength to swallow the turth, give me strength to move on. i know you have something planned for me and please take care of him.

i might not be able to see you anymore, but when i wanna find you, i'll just have to close my eyes. you're in me. <3

I couldn't stop crying ever since i got home. today is my last week here and i was so upset especially when i didn't get to bade proper farewell to someone specific. i never expect things to end this way, at least i was hoping for a proper goodbye, but no, you just disappeared without even informing me and you know how that felt? it sucks so bad, but thank god my lovely friends accompanied me through the day so i felt entertained although they keep talking about my 'pregnancy' and my 'husband' -.-

It finally comes right, the day when i have to leave everything behind, when i have to completely let go of someone i'll never be able to love wholly. i'm going to miss how you watch me and how you smile and hit my arms everytime i do something stupid, and when you don't mind whenever i act completely stupid you'll just run through my hair, when you stick out your tongue because i couldn't follow you monkey steps and when i asked you song titles because i loved the lyrics, or when you danced and shake your head making yourself look like electrocuted. to me, you shine like a diamond, and although i can't personally tell you to take care, i hope you get my note. I'll only come back my december and i hope 39 weeks isn't that long. i guess its back to waiting.

I have been here for so long i'm used to my routine, feel attached to certain places and sense connection with some people i used to not know, and how hard it is to leave all that behind. even now i miss you already. its like when i came out and you were nowhere to be found, no matter how long i waited you didn't come back, it squeezes my heart in terrible pain. i don't want to lose you. i love you, and it never changed.

god, all i need is strength to carry on.\


I tried to hide from you
but i failed
i tried to lie to you
but how i failed
and even in my darkest time
you gave me light
i never knew this kinda love could feel so right
when i'm in your arms
i find myself believe it
we could be anywhere
so i can keep on dreaming

(Chorus)
whenever your close to me, you`re like the sun
you feel like the sun
and everyday you telling me
i am the one
i am the one who makes you shine

and i know
whenever you want me to, i'll go
and even when your not with me
i feel you there
i only have to look and see
and i'll know where
when i'm holding you
the world can stop it's turning
you`re always gonna pull me through
and i won't be returning

(Chorus)
whenever your close to me, your like the sun
you feel like the sun
and everyday you`re telling me
i am the one
i am the one who makes you shine

you`re like the sun
you keep me warm
you`re telling me

when i'm in your arms
we can be anywhere (2x)

(Chorus)
whenever your close to me, you`re like the sun
you feel like the sun
and everyday you`re telling me
i am the one
i am the one who makes you shine (2x)

I'm not allowed to drive anymore because I'm strictly grounded so sian. So I'm following my mom around town which makes me sleepy.

Ok, I feel better already. Actually come to think of it its not really that bad, just that when I lost someone so significant in my life I feel weak and think I won't be able to carry on. But I've been strong all this while, no? I have been living an independent life without my parents physically beside me, and not everyone can go through that right. Many people tried studying overseas and came back because they're not independent enough. I figure out its just a mentality sort of thing and after talking so much to my newly found curhat buddy who's dying to meet me (hehe), I looked at things in much wider lens already, and lose one grow one thousand right. And my curhat buddy is so retarded and funny I feel so much entertained :) curhat buddy!!! Sounds so cool you still owe me aglio olio recipe!!!! Must be lazying around in kempinski now 3usd per sqm hahahahaahahaha!!

Btw I've been holding my pee since 3 hours ago D: shucks.

I should be thankful, because compared to so many unfortunate people out there, I'm counted as lucky.

Well, I think blogging has been my way of life therefore I'm back here blogging, so deny the previous post haha

I've been doing a lot of reflection lately and even though this is so hard to sink in, I guess one day my heart will understand and learn to let go. Nothing majorly serious happened though, just that, as you may have guessed, I'm a person who deal tremendously bad with changes. I hate how this life keeps changing even before I am able to catch up. Sometimes I get so tired of figuring out what life actually is, I wanted to give up. But giving up is easy, and I want to try to hold on even when things fell apart and my wall of hope got destroyed, because that's when I know I'm strong.

Its just that, I get so used to being around someone, thinking that things are perfect and he was all I want. I'm wrong. First of all, I'm someone with unstable emotion. Like when my mom decided to fire the driver, I asked myself, how is he gonna feed his kids and wife jobless? Ah life, I never seem to be able to figure you out.

Maybe in the first place I shouldn't be too serious about everything. But who can control feelings and out of all, love?

Funny, because people tell me, 'candies you shouldn't think about it anymore and just move on' that's probably the best advice I've heard and that's exactly what I need to do and I thank those who told me that. But then how do you alter feelings in a blink? I could almost feel my heart stop beating and my legs refused to walk away everytime I watch you watching me.

I know its weird because this is really personal and I shouldn't spill it here, but I feel that blogging this out makes me think of what actually I'm feeling and though things are bad, at least nothing worse happened, right?

Strength, stand by me.

I think i might stop blogging for now.
I'll see you around.

It dawned upon me that life is not a bed of roses. There are rocky patches in which we have to pick ourselves up in order to move on. Sometimes you can't help but to question yourself, why does this life treat you so unfairly at times, though you think you deserve better.

I often wonder what does life has to offer, what it has in store for me to find out. How i wish i could deal with changes and move on, be a little stronger as a person, as a friend. I wish i could learn to understand and accept circumstances, though they are not at their best, but they could be worse, and that i have people i can always count on. How mortifying life is at times, i always think that this life we're living keeps millions of mystery i'm just dying to find out. Ah life, i don't know why i did what i did, or are we supposed to question everything, evaluate all our acts, and just let nature takes its course? What if nature doesn't take me to happiness?

We get so focused on the what-ifs we mostly forget the what-is. I'm a person with lots of whats and whys. Maybe, maybe its for the best. I hope.

AND BYTHEWAY MOMMY I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU CHECK ON MY PHONE AND READ MY MESSAGES AND QUESTION ME ABOUT THINGS THAT YOU SHOULDN'T. I NEED SOME SPACE, OKAY? Please/

but i smarter. i deleted all the messages you shouldn't see HEHEHEHE